There’s a truth I encounter often in my work with clients—something that may seem obvious, but remains one of the most unspoken elephants in the room:
Much of generational trauma can be softened—or even prevented—by preparing for parenthood with intention, awareness, and healing.
I want to be clear: this is not about perfection. It’s about responsibility. Becoming a parent is one of the most profound roles a person can step into—and it requires more than logistics, finances, or instinct. It requires emotional readiness.
Of course, not every child arrives under ideal conditions. Sometimes children are born from unplanned or traumatic circumstances, and those paths deserve their own conversation and care. But for those who do have space and time to prepare, there is a deep invitation: to do the healing work before passing on what we never asked to carry.
Two Trauma Responses to Parenthood: “I Want Children” and “I Never Want Children”
Unprocessed trauma can shape the way we approach parenthood in subtle or profound ways. Two common responses I see in my work are:
1. “I Want Children”
Yes, there’s a biological and relational drive behind wanting children—but sometimes, for individuals with trauma histories, the desire for children can be driven by an unconscious hope to “redo” life. There’s often a longing to create something more stable, more loving, more safe than what they experienced.
But often, what’s considered “more stable” or “more loving” or “more safe” is not actually known or embodied yet by the parent themselves. If these qualities haven’t been experienced firsthand, it can be difficult to recognize them—let alone recreate them. This is where we sometimes see power dynamics, fear, or jealousy emerge in the parent-child relationship. The parent may long to protect and nurture, but unprocessed trauma can distort this intention. Power may take precedence over connection. Fear may override compassion. A parent may create more safety in one area, while unintentionally creating less in another.
Healing before parenting doesn’t mean perfection—it means breaking the loop with enough awareness to make different choices.
2. “I Never Want Children”
This is a response I hear just as often, and it’s deeply valid. It usually sounds something like:
“I don’t want to risk passing on what I went through.”
“I don’t trust myself to parent differently.”
“I couldn’t live with myself if my child experienced what I did.”
This fear is raw and protective. But what’s incredible is that, over time—through therapy, through nervous system regulation, through relational repair—I’ve watched many people shift. As chaos subsides and safety returns, some clients change their minds. Others find peace with remaining child-free. Either way, the key is processing what’s underneath the fear so they can live a fuller, freer life.
Trauma Work as Preventative Care
Trauma work is one of the most overlooked forms of preventative care. We don’t often think of it in the same category as contraception, but in a way—it is.
Unprocessed trauma doesn’t just affect you—it echoes into the next generation, often in subtle behavioral patterns, attachment wounds, and emotional dysregulation. But when we do the inner work before stepping into parenthood, we lay a stronger foundation for secure attachment, healthier boundaries, and generational change.
You don’t have to be fully healed to be a good parent. That’s not what this is about.
This is about tending to the roots now, so your future family can grow from solid ground.
Your Choice. Your Responsibility.
Trauma happens. Life brings challenges, unpredictability, and pain. But what turns pain into trauma is often not the event itself—it’s whether we have the support, safety, and emotional scaffolding to move through it.
The earliest scaffolding any child receives is through their parent’s ability to attune, co-regulate, and provide safety.
This doesn’t mean perfection. It means presence. It means doing the work, not just for your child—but for yourself.
And it’s never too late.
Attachment wounds can be repaired. Nervous systems can rewire. Relationships—especially with ourselves and our children—can evolve.
Whether you’re planning for children, healing from your own upbringing, or simply exploring what it means to be whole, the work you do now ripples forward. And it matters—more than you know.
THE LOTUS FLOWER 